Here, with tongue in cheek, are my nineteen “Looking Ahead” predictions for 2019.
1. After the Patriots don’t make it to the Super Bowl, Tom Brady vows to play next season “and beyond.” He doesn’t say what or where, but his wife, super-model Gisele Bundchen, offers to buy Brazil’s national futebol team.
2. After the Patriots lose the Super Bowl, Bill Belichek announces that he is “stepping back.” When asked from what or to where, he says “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”
3. Robert Kraft praises Tom and Bill by tweeting, “They’re like family.” He doesn’t explain his use of the word “like” or say whose family he has in mind.
4. Boston Globe sportswriter Ben Volin writes, “It’s over.” He doesn’t explain what the “it” is.
5. When the Red Sox open the home season at Fenway Park on April 9, Dustin Pedroia mumbles, “I’m a lot younger than Brady,” as Wally the Green Monster assists him to second base.
6. Wall or no wall, in April and May America’s major league baseball teams play béisbol games at the Estadio de Béisbol in Monterrey, Mexico.
8. Brexit or no Brexit, at the end of June the Red Sox play the Yankees at Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park in London. Alex Cora is learning the rules of cricket.
9. By the All Star Game in July, 37 Democrats have visited Iowa, 41 have visited New Hampshire, and Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley travels 6000 miles to Guam.
10. Chris Pappas is one of the Iowa 37. “It’s just exploratory,” he says. Annie Kuster is not one of the 37. “I’m thinking about it,” she says. Paul Hodes is one of the New Hampshire 41. “I live here,” he says.
11. World’s richest man Jeff Bezos, owner of Amazon.com, goes to both states in August. “Just delivering packages,” he explains while handing a corn dog to world’s 11th richest man, Michael Bloomberg, at the Iowa State Fair.
12. On Labor Day, Senator Merkley takes to an otherwise empty Senate floor and announces, “I favor statehood for Guam.”
13. Non-senator and Non-judge Roy Moore drives his truck from Alabama to Manchester and stands in line outside the Red Arrow Diner holding a small statue of the Ten Commandments.
14. Elaine Chao resigns as Secretary of Transportation to become president of Mount Holyoke College, her alma mater. “I’m a New Englander at heart,” she tells the Washington Post, which Jeff Bezos owns.
15. Ms. Chao’s husband, Mitch McConnell, immediately declares, “I’ve had enough.” He does did not say of what.
16. In October, New Brunswick, whose 49 legislators each makes $85,000 a year, invites New Hampshire to become one of the Maritime Provinces.
17. The next day the Governor proposes increasing the pay of New Hampshire legislators from $100 to $200 a year. Several groups immediately announce that they will challenge the increase in court, now that they can.
18. The Supreme Court orders the Mueller Report unsealed. It does not include the words “witch hunt.”
19. President Trump tweets that he plans to read the Mueller Report after he finishes reading Proust’s “Remembrance of Things Past.”
Happy New Year to all.